Week 1: My icebox cookie A-ha moment

I bet many of you are wondering how my first week of class turned out.  The thought of baking classic brownies, chocolate chip & icebox cookies, biscotti and almond macaroons filled with a dark chocolate hazelnut ganache initially evoked images of pure bliss.  I thought to myself, this first week is going to be a cake walk (pardon the pun.)  With my inflated ego, I anticipated walking in and calmly preparing most of the recipes on this week's syllabus with much ease and no stress.  I was told that the first course is to ensure every B&P student is familiar with basic ingredients, techniques, and appliances.   I felt that I had enough home baking experience to assume that I'd ace this course.

Day 2: Chocolate Chip Cookies

To my surprise, my assumptions and expectations were quickly crushed.  On day 2, the instructor informed us that we had 2 hours to prepare chocolate chip cookies and classic brownies. "No problem," I thought.    However, when production time began, 33 students dashed to "mise en place" (pronounced [meese on plaz] which is french for "everything in it's place") their ingredients and  pick up their mixers.  The kitchen was instantly filled with chaos.  I found myself running from one station to the next only to find myself standing in a long line.  Frustrated that I was wasting time, I'd hop over to another station.  I began to realize that I probably looked like Seth from Season 1 of Top Chef: Just Desserts.    Panic began to set in.
    
Finally when I reached the front of a line, and began weighing my ingredients, I noticed we were all fighting for the scales too.  No sooner than I had turned my head to add more flour to my bowl, another student had snagged the scale from me.  We were all climbing over each other for space, ingredients, and scales.  I felt overwhelmed at how crowded and unorganized everything appeared and wondered if everyone else felt the same way.


In addition to everyone running circles around the kitchen and jumping in front of one another, the kitchen did not have enough mixers. As some students were getting ahead, others like myself were quickly falling behind.  To add fuel to the fire, the Chef would continually yell out loud to the group things like, "Move faster!", or "Someone better get those cookies out of the oven...they are BURNING!" or, "It's not unreasonable to ask you all to bake two items in 2 hours!"   


Slowly, my ego began to deflate and I started to think that maybe this isn't going to be as easy as I expected.  At the end of the day, I felt flustered and somewhat disappointed in how things flowed.   Thankfully in the midst of the storm, I somehow managed to whip together the perfectly moist chocolate chip cookie and fudgey nut brownies.  Although, inside I was not content with how the day went and began to internalize some of the mistakes I had made and had hoped to drown my feelings with some milk & cookies.   

 Day3: Icebox Cookies

The next day, our objective was to prepare icebox cookies which are basically, a sugar cookie dough that is refrigerated and then sliced the next day.  We were making two batters (vanilla and chocolate) and were expected to create a 4x4 checkerboard patterned cookie.  Creating the batter was a breeze, but when it came time to roll out my dough and begin the layers, I started to struggle with the assembly.  Instead of rolling out my dough to 1/2 inch thickness, I rolled them out to 1/4 inch.  As I began cutting the layers to create the checkerboard pattern, the Chef had finally made her way to review my progress.  In her stern and cold tone, she advised me that my layers were too thin and that I'd need to recut them.  She didn't seem pleased with me.  My 4x4 checkerboard had somehow become 6x6.  As soon as she left, I looked over to the girl next to me to see a perfect checkerboard.  Other students had begun to walk by and literally admired out loud how perfect her cookies had turned out.  For some reason, I began to beat myself up for not being able to follow the simple instructions the Chef provided during demonstration.   


That night I had gotten home and reflected on the day.  Things were much smoother than the first production day.  Most of us were familiar with the flow of the kitchen and how to use the scales.  We also paired up with a partner so there were enough mixers for each group.  In spite of the productive day that I had, I couldn't get over the fact that I was continually making mistakes on simple cookies.  I'm not used to making blatant errors that others can see.  My old world was black and white.  There was a right and wrong way to do things. I avoided at all costs doing things the wrong way.   Even though I've been through military training and had been yelled at worse than anything I had experienced in the kitchen that day, I couldn't  get over my icebox cookies and the previous days' events.   

Day 4: Espresso Biscotti

Later that night after sharing my experience with Kurtis, he helped me see the true problem.  It wasn't that my cookies didn't look like the demo or solicited admiration from the Chef, but the realization that I'm not comfortable with making mistakes. I know it is part of the  learning process, but to now be in a world where my mistakes are not only visible to myself, but visible to ALL of my classmates makes it a tough pill to swallow.   I am OCD and a perfectionist.  I have always strived to be the best and in an entry level class, I was falling short of that expectation.     


Yes, I'm simply making cookies that will soon be eaten and forgotten.  But to my mind, that didn't matter.  I. HATED. making mistakes.  So, while I expected to learn about baking this week, I learned more about myself.  


The following day, when I had reset my worldview and accepted that mistakes will be present, I began to notice that others were also making mistakes.  Even the Chef announced that she had burned her bread the day before.  No one was beating themselves up.  They brushed off the error, recognized what caused the problem and moved on.  
I know it seems simple, but have you ever placed a high expectation upon yourself?  Have ever thought that you  HAD to be  the model parent, or perfect spouse,  consummate Christian or ideal fill in the blank.   When we fall short of that expectation or when things turn out more complicated than we thought, it can be a rude awakening.  No matter how many times we've been told by others that life is filled with mistakes, no one likes making them...especially the perfectionist.   However, in addition to a pantry filled with cookies, I welcomed a new worldview that is no longer black and white, but becoming more colorful.  I am slowly recognizing that I can't beat myself up for the next 9 months whenever things don't go as I expect.  It will be those mistakes that will make me a better baker.